Feeling isolated and lonely is very common after you’ve left prison. In prison you didn’t expect to open up to people and enjoy their company. Now you’re outside, it takes time to relax and be friendly to people.

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Small talk doesn’t happen much in prison, and once you leave it takes time to learn what to talk about, and how to chat. Having someone who can support you during the first months when you leave prison can really help. If you don’t have family or a friend who can do this, look for a support service that may be able to help.

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If your aim is to go straight, you may not want to hang around your old mates, but you may feel like you don’t have anyone else. If you’ve got a mate who’s also wanting to go straight, you can support each other. If you need someone to talk to right now, ring Lifeline on 13 11 14 for 24-hour confidential telephone counselling.

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Lots of people on release from prison feel isolated and lonely, especially if they aren’t living with family. Some people have ended up reoffending just to return to prison where they know people and don’t feel out of place. Meeting people and making friends is hard for most people, and it’s even harder when you’ve been in prison.

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Your ‘prison self’

In prison you may have acted tough, hiding your feelings so that no one thought you were an easy target. Being like that protected you and helped keep you safe. But outside prison, behaving that way isn’t necessary and may scare people off.

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What you need to ‘make it’ in the community is the very opposite of what cuts it inside. Being open and friendly is more likely to get you what you want than behaving as you would in prison.

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To get to know people and make some friends you’ll have to slowly take a few risks and open up to people.

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Small talk

Talking about the weather, the football or what you did on the weekend doesn’t happen in prison much. In fact, what passes for normal conversation in the general community can seem trivial and annoying when you’ve spent time in prison, where survival was the main concern. Learning what people in the community talk about takes time, and feels strange.

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It will take time to get used to the different social rules that operate outside prison. Listen to other people. How do they start a conversation? What gets talked about? You’ll soon get the hang of it. Don’t forget that most people, ‘straight’ people included, feel shy or don’t know what to say from time to time.

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Choose a support person

While you’re in custody, you can choose to have a meeting with a person who’ll be your key support when you get out. They could be a family member, trusted friend, or community member. Talk to people supporting you about your expectations for life on the outside, and follow this up with them when you get out. Having someone to call when things get difficult can be a real help. Don’t forget that you can always call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

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Old mates and new mates

A lot of people who want to go straight when they come out worry about seeing old associates from criminal or drug-using circles. They know if they hang around those people, there’s a strong chance that they’ll end up reoffending. On the other hand, if they don’t see any of their old associates, they’ll have nobody. At least with their old connections they feel comfortable and know the score.

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There are no easy answers to this one. Building up a new circle of friends is not easy, but it can be done. Here are a few tips:

• Make it clear to your mates that you don’t want to fall back into old ways, but don't expect them to make it easy for you. People who are still using or breaking the law are more likely to want to drag you back down than wish you well in your new life. That’s reality. After all, if you succeed, they might feel uncomfortable about their own lives.
• Be selective about who you keep in contact with. It’s not hard to tell who is good for you and who means trouble. Another person who’s also committed to staying out can be a great help. Build on your contacts with those people who you believe are likely to stay out and who are serious about going straight.
• If you’re going to meet someone who still uses drugs, think about how and when you have contact. It might be better to see a person in a café rather than in their lounge room, where it’s all too easy to light up that bong or have that hit.
• Form a relationship with a support worker you can trust. Although workers are professional people who are paid to help you, a real bond of trust can develop.
• NA, AA and other 12-step programs have a ‘sponsoring’ system in which more experienced members of the program provide support and guidance to newer members. If you have drug or alcohol problems, attend a meeting and see if there’s someone there that you like. They may be able to sponsor you. Contact AA on (02) 9799 1199 or NA on 1300 652 820 for a referral to your nearest meeting.

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See the below link for some good ideas about meeting new people.

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www.succeedsocially.com/meetpeople

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Finding something positive to do

If you have spent a long time involved with crime and other people who are offending, it can be hard to find other, more positive things to do after you have been released. Being involved in pro-social things like sports and hobbies can be a good distraction, help you to meet new people and get fit. If you are in NSW, see the NSW Sports and Recreation website for many different kinds of sporting organisations.