I really didn’t want to leave prison this time. I just wanted to stay without having to worry about adjusting to a world that didn’t suit me. It was a pretty messed up mentality to have, but after all this time coming in and out, that was the way I saw prison – a safe place away from all the bullshit that the world teaches you. If I had found freedom in prison, then what was even the point trying to fit in with society?

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This is what I told my parole officer. I said, I love prison – don’t threaten me with a good time. She was shocked, not only by that, but by me telling her I was depressed and I didn’t even want to be out of prison.

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In the beginning, when I got out, my life lacked purpose. As I sat at home trying to do the right thing, something was still eating away at me. I sat there in loneliness. I was struggling. Drugs had found their way back into to my life and I felt it had started all over again in a another cycle towards suicide or prison.

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But then things started to turn around. I managed to stop using, and get into training. After one night at Muay Thai, a brother who knew I had been struggling, came up to me and prayed for me.

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Though he was Christian and I’m Muslim, I still accepted his prayer. Later that night, I met a guy called Robbie Hamza who is an active member in the Islamic community. Since I met him, we kicked it off. He invited me to hand out pizza to the homeless in the West End and even helped out a couple of times with a charity called Muslim Charitable Foundation which helps out with people who are struggling on Centrelink or members of our community that just need a little help from time to time.

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I began to feel needed and filled with purpose. I was in the gym training regularly and was praying daily and helping out in these community and charity things whenever I had a chance.

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On top of all this I also managed to put together a camper van which I took on a few weekend trips. Life was awesome, but at the same time, something wasn’t quite right.

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At home, there were snacks galore and all sorts of unhealthy options. When I came home at the end of a big day of training and charity stuff I would eat whatever. I’m grateful that I have my family but as I began to fall into Netflix binging and Instagram doom scrolling, I felt like I wasn’t achieving my full potential.

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So I decided to pack the things I need and go live the van life for as long as possible.

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Right off the bat, it was heaven sent. I went to the gym and trained, then went to Muay Thai followed by doing a shower and recovery afterwards. The gym that I signed up to has a full recovery centre, a boxing room, pool, saunas, about five different exercise areas, a massage chair room and even had WiFi for me available 24/7. The very first morning I woke up in the van, I was already at the gym so I went to train and use the bathroom facilities. It reminded me of prison, having the yard within walking distance of my cell. Next, I went to the shops and bought some steak since I’m on that carnivore diet, cooked it up in the carpark and went straight back to the gym for another session. After this, I went to volunteer at the Lighthouse, which is a charity that gives discounted groceries to people.

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I’ve been at it for over a week now and though I’m not training that crazy everyday, I’m always at the gym at least once a day. Even while writing this article I’m sitting in the massage chairs where I also bring books to read sometimes.

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All in all, as someone who has really struggled in the past to adjust to the stresses and expectations of the outside world, it seems that there is more peace in what I’m doing now. I don’t think I can ever go back to making money for the sake of living. But participating in these things that actually make a difference to people’s lives humbles my heart dramatically. It allows me to use my experience and understanding of the world I have come from and openly show compassion to others that have been in my situation.

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Long story short – don’t settle with what society expects of you. Especially now while you’re in prison. Use your time to find out who you are and what you truly enjoy doing. Experiment with different outlets for your energy and time. I can tell you what the view looks like from my perspective but at the end of the day, it will never be the same through your eyes.

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I know sometimes we self sabotage and that our body freaks out because it isn’t used to doing what you’re trying to do. But if you can break those barriers and find a purpose, maybe you might break the cycle one day. If not, you and the generations that are to come have to deal with it. I know I did and I’m still learning everyday.

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Here are some tips for the outside:  

• The gym is a cheap place to get things you need – showers, WiFi, training –  between $20-$40 a week
• Talk to Centrelink and your doctor about mental health support and exemption from working if needed
• Try different things: sport, hobbies, religion, gym.
• Be around people and community. In prison we socialise naturally. Don’t just doom scrolling and waste time, get out there.
• Reach out if you need help – find brothers or sisters that get what you’re going through. It can be lonely out there as a crim trying to break the cycle but there is support.
• Don’t chase money – find purpose and the doors will open afterwards
• Much love and respect to my brothers and sisters inside.