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“Trauma may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility.”
Today, I sat down with Sarah Brown from She Is Not Your Rehab to discuss intergenerational trauma and the healing work she does with her husband, Matt Brown.
The She Is Not Your Rehab movement began in Matt's barbershop, where he would host anti-violence workshops and support groups alongside cutting and styling hair. This soon expanded to construction sites, prisons and Indigenous spaces. The official She Is Not Your Rehab campaign launched in 2019 and encourages men to take responsibility for their healing, confront their pasts, and create better futures for themselves and their families. Together, Matt and Sarah have helped people, both inside and outside of prison, to start healing and break the cycle of violence.
Our soul’s purpose comes from our life experiences and it is to break the cycle of violence that has existed in and around our communities for generations. Matt is a New Zealand-born Samoan, and grew up in a household where there was domestic violence and alcohol abuse. His father, an immigrant from Samoa, was in and out of jail and was abusive towards his mother. In Matt’s childhood there was a lack of positive role models. These experiences have shaped our life's purpose, to support those who perpetrate violence in their healing journey, to redefine masculinity and in turn create violence-free communities.
Our movement asks men to acknowledge their own childhood trauma and take responsibility for their healing, rather than projecting their pain onto others, especially the women in their lives. The inspiration for the movement came not only from Matt’s childhood experiences, but also from visiting his own father in prison, which gave Matt a unique perspective on the impact of incarceration on families and children. Later in life, Matt returned to prisons not as a visitor, but as a mentor and teacher. In between teaching men how to cut hair, he began working with men and teaching them how to be vulnerable, how to confront their pasts, and how to envision a different future for themselves and their families.
It is a common belief amongst many of the men we work with, who grew up in environments where violence was normalised, that expressing emotion was a sign of weakness. Matt himself struggled with these beliefs, having grown up in a household where violence was the norm and positive male role models were not around to teach him otherwise.
We had to create spaces where men felt safe to be vulnerable. The barbershop became that space; where men could talk openly without fear of judgment. We also knew that we had to lead by example. Matt often shares his own story of trauma and healing in order to show other men that it is possible to break the cycle of violence. By modelling what it looks like to confront your past, we have been able to break down the barriers that prevent men from opening up about the things that have happened to them.
We have always believed in the power of storytelling to communicate difficult messages. Matt shares his own story of growing up in a violent household, and the impact it had on his life. By sharing his story, he gives men permission to share their own and, in doing so, helps them begin their own process of healing. We have also created a book club in prisons, where men can read She Is Not Your Rehab and discuss it with the people they are inside with. This program has had really good outcomes, as it allows men to see their own experiences reflected in the stories of others and also helps them understand their own traumas.
We get letters every week from men in prison who have read the book and felt inspired to change their lives. One told us he read the book five times whilst inside. He was involved in domestic violence and gangs and didn’t know any different. He had been addicted to meth for years. He said, “I am together with my wife and kids because you have helped me to understand my relationships and why I was having volatile relationships."
One woman told the story of her dad being in prison most of his life. “My dad never said he loved me in his whole life, then one day I got a letter from him saying he loved me and that he wanted to have a relationship with me and my brother. I had given up hope and thought he would just keep going in and out of prison. He now calls regularly.”
Our advice to those working on their mental health and healing while on the inside is to use the time to work on your inner world. We believe that the most important work a person can do while inside is the work they can do on themselves. This means confronting the traumas of the past, taking responsibility for your actions, and committing to a path of healing.
It is important to understand your emotions, particularly anger. Matt often talks about how anger is a secondary emotion, a response to deeper feelings like rejection and abandonment. He encourages men to explore these deeper emotions, to understand what they are really feeling, and to learn how to master their own minds. By doing this inner work, we believe people can break the cycle of violence.
Trauma is not your fault, we are able to hold empathy and compassion for the child victim that sits within the man without condoning his actions. Compassion with accountability. Your inner world will directly reflect your outer world when you get out.
We want the world to know that intergenerational trauma is real, but so is intergenerational healing. We have lived this truth, and we are living proof that it is possible to break the cycle of violence and create a better future for the next generation. The best piece of life advice we have ever been given is to take responsibility for your own healing.
Trauma may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility. This advice has guided our work and our lives.
I will leave you with one of Sarah’s favourite quotes:
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” – Nelson Mandela
“Trauma may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility.”
Today, I sat down with Sarah Brown from She Is Not Your Rehab to discuss intergenerational trauma and the healing work she does with her husband, Matt Brown.
The She Is Not Your Rehab movement began in Matt's barbershop, where he would host anti-violence workshops and support groups alongside cutting and styling hair. This soon expanded to construction sites, prisons and Indigenous spaces. The official She Is Not Your Rehab campaign launched in 2019 and encourages men to take responsibility for their healing, confront their pasts, and create better futures for themselves and their families. Together, Matt and Sarah have helped people, both inside and outside of prison, to start healing and break the cycle of violence.
Our soul’s purpose comes from our life experiences and it is to break the cycle of violence that has existed in and around our communities for generations. Matt is a New Zealand-born Samoan, and grew up in a household where there was domestic violence and alcohol abuse. His father, an immigrant from Samoa, was in and out of jail and was abusive towards his mother. In Matt’s childhood there was a lack of positive role models. These experiences have shaped our life's purpose, to support those who perpetrate violence in their healing journey, to redefine masculinity and in turn create violence-free communities.
Our movement asks men to acknowledge their own childhood trauma and take responsibility for their healing, rather than projecting their pain onto others, especially the women in their lives. The inspiration for the movement came not only from Matt’s childhood experiences, but also from visiting his own father in prison, which gave Matt a unique perspective on the impact of incarceration on families and children. Later in life, Matt returned to prisons not as a visitor, but as a mentor and teacher. In between teaching men how to cut hair, he began working with men and teaching them how to be vulnerable, how to confront their pasts, and how to envision a different future for themselves and their families.
It is a common belief amongst many of the men we work with, who grew up in environments where violence was normalised, that expressing emotion was a sign of weakness. Matt himself struggled with these beliefs, having grown up in a household where violence was the norm and positive male role models were not around to teach him otherwise.
We had to create spaces where men felt safe to be vulnerable. The barbershop became that space; where men could talk openly without fear of judgment. We also knew that we had to lead by example. Matt often shares his own story of trauma and healing in order to show other men that it is possible to break the cycle of violence. By modelling what it looks like to confront your past, we have been able to break down the barriers that prevent men from opening up about the things that have happened to them.
We have always believed in the power of storytelling to communicate difficult messages. Matt shares his own story of growing up in a violent household, and the impact it had on his life. By sharing his story, he gives men permission to share their own and, in doing so, helps them begin their own process of healing. We have also created a book club in prisons, where men can read She Is Not Your Rehab and discuss it with the people they are inside with. This program has had really good outcomes, as it allows men to see their own experiences reflected in the stories of others and also helps them understand their own traumas.
We get letters every week from men in prison who have read the book and felt inspired to change their lives. One told us he read the book five times whilst inside. He was involved in domestic violence and gangs and didn’t know any different. He had been addicted to meth for years. He said, “I am together with my wife and kids because you have helped me to understand my relationships and why I was having volatile relationships."
One woman told the story of her dad being in prison most of his life. “My dad never said he loved me in his whole life, then one day I got a letter from him saying he loved me and that he wanted to have a relationship with me and my brother. I had given up hope and thought he would just keep going in and out of prison. He now calls regularly.”
Our advice to those working on their mental health and healing while on the inside is to use the time to work on your inner world. We believe that the most important work a person can do while inside is the work they can do on themselves. This means confronting the traumas of the past, taking responsibility for your actions, and committing to a path of healing.
It is important to understand your emotions, particularly anger. Matt often talks about how anger is a secondary emotion, a response to deeper feelings like rejection and abandonment. He encourages men to explore these deeper emotions, to understand what they are really feeling, and to learn how to master their own minds. By doing this inner work, we believe people can break the cycle of violence.
Trauma is not your fault, we are able to hold empathy and compassion for the child victim that sits within the man without condoning his actions. Compassion with accountability. Your inner world will directly reflect your outer world when you get out.
We want the world to know that intergenerational trauma is real, but so is intergenerational healing. We have lived this truth, and we are living proof that it is possible to break the cycle of violence and create a better future for the next generation. The best piece of life advice we have ever been given is to take responsibility for your own healing.
Trauma may not be your fault, but healing is your responsibility. This advice has guided our work and our lives.
I will leave you with one of Sarah’s favourite quotes:
“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.” – Nelson Mandela
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Help us get About Time off the ground. All donations are tax deductible and will be vital in providing an essential resource for people in prison and their loved ones.
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