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Anger can be a confusing emotion, especially when it doesn’t seem to fit the situation you are in. Sometimes, anger becomes the “easier” way to cope with being hurt. It can be seen as socially acceptable, and is often a simple and effective way to make whatever is causing the pain go away – at least temporarily. At its core, anger is an emotion meant to signal something is wrong, and for this reason, it can become a default way of communicating our needs. Unfortunately, when we use anger to address situations that involve other underlying emotions, it can lead to more problems in the long run.
When we experience anger in response to other, deeper emotions, it becomes a secondary emotion. If those underlying feelings remain unresolved, it can lead to more conflict and greater pain in the future.
A concept that regularly appears in ‘therapy speak’ is the Anger Iceberg (see image). While it may seem like a cheesy idea, it is a useful way of understanding what lies beneath anger.
Consider Larry*. When he first started therapy, he told me that he was having problems in his relationship because he felt his partner was being unreasonable and demanding. When his partner asked him to spend more time together, he told me about times he would work himself up into a state of rage while explaining that he couldn’t because he was tired from his other commitments. It got to a point where he began to feel angry as soon as he even thought about seeing his partner after work, and he would react with anger before she could even start a conversation with him. Larry’s behaviour was reaching a point where his relationship was on the verge of ending.
When Larry and I explored the issue, at first he could only tell me about how unfair it was that his partner made requests of him, and how she didn’t appreciate that he was too tired to spend time with her. He felt disrespected and unappreciated by her, which led him to use anger to push her away and protect himself from those feelings. When we explored this issue further, Larry came to realise that what he was feeling was a sense of not being good enough for his partner. He assumed that asking to spend more time together meant she wanted him to spend more money on dates and gifts, and that he would have to sacrifice his relaxation time to do so. He felt that she didn’t appreciate the hours that he was working to make ends meet, and as though she was implying that he wasn’t a good enough partner. Underneath his anger, he was embarrassed, afraid and hurt. Once Larry became aware of these deeper feelings, he was able to communicate them to his partner and they found a way to resolve the issue.
To understand anger as a secondary emotion, we must look deeper at what is causing it. This means letting go of anger itself and exploring the feelings that triggered it.
Instead of reacting with anger, it can be helpful to ask yourself what your needs are and why the issue has come up.
Often, this involves reflecting on what assumptions you may have made and questioning why you made them in the first place. One way to do this is by focusing on the facts of the situation and then asking for more information to test those assumptions. In order to communicate effectively in these situations, it is important to identify and address the emotions beneath the anger.
Anger can be a confusing emotion, especially when it doesn’t seem to fit the situation you are in. Sometimes, anger becomes the “easier” way to cope with being hurt. It can be seen as socially acceptable, and is often a simple and effective way to make whatever is causing the pain go away – at least temporarily. At its core, anger is an emotion meant to signal something is wrong, and for this reason, it can become a default way of communicating our needs. Unfortunately, when we use anger to address situations that involve other underlying emotions, it can lead to more problems in the long run.
When we experience anger in response to other, deeper emotions, it becomes a secondary emotion. If those underlying feelings remain unresolved, it can lead to more conflict and greater pain in the future.
A concept that regularly appears in ‘therapy speak’ is the Anger Iceberg (see image). While it may seem like a cheesy idea, it is a useful way of understanding what lies beneath anger.
Consider Larry*. When he first started therapy, he told me that he was having problems in his relationship because he felt his partner was being unreasonable and demanding. When his partner asked him to spend more time together, he told me about times he would work himself up into a state of rage while explaining that he couldn’t because he was tired from his other commitments. It got to a point where he began to feel angry as soon as he even thought about seeing his partner after work, and he would react with anger before she could even start a conversation with him. Larry’s behaviour was reaching a point where his relationship was on the verge of ending.
When Larry and I explored the issue, at first he could only tell me about how unfair it was that his partner made requests of him, and how she didn’t appreciate that he was too tired to spend time with her. He felt disrespected and unappreciated by her, which led him to use anger to push her away and protect himself from those feelings. When we explored this issue further, Larry came to realise that what he was feeling was a sense of not being good enough for his partner. He assumed that asking to spend more time together meant she wanted him to spend more money on dates and gifts, and that he would have to sacrifice his relaxation time to do so. He felt that she didn’t appreciate the hours that he was working to make ends meet, and as though she was implying that he wasn’t a good enough partner. Underneath his anger, he was embarrassed, afraid and hurt. Once Larry became aware of these deeper feelings, he was able to communicate them to his partner and they found a way to resolve the issue.
To understand anger as a secondary emotion, we must look deeper at what is causing it. This means letting go of anger itself and exploring the feelings that triggered it.
Instead of reacting with anger, it can be helpful to ask yourself what your needs are and why the issue has come up.
Often, this involves reflecting on what assumptions you may have made and questioning why you made them in the first place. One way to do this is by focusing on the facts of the situation and then asking for more information to test those assumptions. In order to communicate effectively in these situations, it is important to identify and address the emotions beneath the anger.
All of us have times in our lives when we feel tense, nervous, worried and frightened. We might feel overwhelmed by the thoughts that keep going around in our head or by events in our lives that are facing us.
It is a common misconception that sadness is ‘weakness’ and that to feel sad somehow undermines one’s ‘toughness.
The Australian Injecting and Illicit Drug Users League (AIVL) caught up for a yarn with Esha, a Peer Harm Reduction Coordinator at QuIHN. QuIHN is a service that supports people who use drugs and alcohol in Queensland.
Grief does not discriminate as to whether the loss is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for you; it is about the absence of something you have held close for a long time.
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Help us get About Time off the ground. All donations are tax deductible and will be vital in providing an essential resource for people in prison and their loved ones.
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