Grief is not just something that happens in response to death. It is an acute sensation of loss, and it can apply to any aspect of life. It can occur in response to the loss of freedom, of security, of connection – symbolic or real. Grief does not discriminate as to whether the loss is ‘good’ or ‘bad’ for you; it is about the absence of something you have held close for a long time.

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When a person is incarcerated, they can often find that they have lost many things on the outside, like their homes, their families and their employment. Sometimes, it is the loss of an unhealthy coping mechanism which prompts a lifestyle change – such as getting clean from drugs. Sometimes, it is the loss of people who were important to us, not through death but through changing relationships.

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The way that loss affects each person is different, but there is often a common thread related to the lack of control surrounding the loss.

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This is where grief takes hold.

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Grief is one of the most painful emotions we experience. By its nature, it is gut-wrenching, all-encompassing pain. Grief exists because we cared about what we lost, because it meant something to us, regardless of whether it played an unhealthy or healthy role in our lives. Grief is layered with sadness, anger and desperation. It hurts because we cannot control the loss. Grief as an emotional state is designed to tell us that we need to heal from pain, but how do we do this when that pain is so consuming?

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The ‘ball in the box’ analogy is a helpful way of understanding how we learn to live with grief. Imagine that your grief is represented by a ball. That ball exists within a box, which represents life, alongside a button that represents emotional pain. When we first experience loss, in the acute stages of grief, that ball is so large it takes up the whole box. Because it is so large, it presses the pain button down constantly. (Pic 1)

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As time goes on, and we process our thoughts, feelings and urges related to the grief, the ball gets smaller. The pain button is no longer constantly pressed, but the ball moves around and hits the button sometimes. When the button is pressed, we experience a surge of emotional pain, but over time it fades again. (Pic 2)

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Eventually, the ball gets to a size that is manageable. It still hits the button at times, but it isn’t big enough to keep the button pressed down. We learn to cope when the button is pressed, and the grief is no longer so all consuming.

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The ball won’t shrink any faster than it is meant to shrink, and it won’t go away completely, but it becomes something that is manageable. Most importantly, we learn how to cope with the distress caused by grief, and this enables us to move forward despite having the pain button activated at times.

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One of the most effective ways to process our thoughts, feelings and urges related to grief is to spend time reflecting on what we have lost. This can be hard because it can feel very overwhelming, however, it is important to understand why we are hurting in response to loss in order to overcome it. One of the best ways to process grief is through expression. Communicating to others or to ourselves (through journalling or art), is critical in allowing the feelings of pain to surface and be resolved appropriately.

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Time spent reflecting on the loss will reveal the different emotion states, and enable you to tackle each of them, which will in turn help the ball of grief to become smaller. For example, you may feel angry that you have lost what is important to you. Maybe that anger is directed at someone else, or maybe at yourself. In order to process this, it is necessary to look deeply at what the anger is telling you, and to communicate that as appropriate.

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Grief is not just about loss, it is also about learning what matters to us. Underneath the pain are layers of emotion, each of which can reveal an important lesson about what is important in our lives. Despite losing something, we are afforded the opportunity to evaluate what it was that we cared about and why. This can lead to important lessons about what we value, what we need and what we could stand to change in our lives.