Feeling sad is something that we often shy away from. There are so many representations of sadness as a ‘bad’ emotion.

‍

It is a common misconception that sadness is ‘weakness’ and that to feel sad somehow undermines one’s ‘toughness.

‍

So many of my clients apologise for being sad or for crying in sessions. Some like to make jokes to alleviate the change in mood. My personal favourite is “Uh oh, she’s got the tear gas out again.” This behaviour is learned through life experiences that, either implicitly or overtly, teach us that to feel sad is to bring the mood down or that it is somehow the ‘wrong’ emotion for people to publicly exhibit. There are few situations where exhibitions of sadness are expected or allowed, particularly for men. There are a lot of reasons for this, beyond what I can cover here. However, one thing that I have observed through the experiences of my clients is the belief that sadness is uncomfortable for other people. It often seems to me that this is true, not because there is something inherently wrong with showing sadness, but because we do not commonly speak about the healthy role that it can play in our lives.

‍

Sadness is not an inherently negative emotion. It is part of the body’s system to support the processing of complex situations. It is meant to support us to connect with others, to reflect on our own needs and to develop strategies to move forward. Sadness signals something going wrong in our lives that we need to take steps to change.

‍

A feeling of sadness is usually linked to a specific trigger. The type of sadness that I am talking about here is not necessarily all-encompassing. It is the kind of sadness that you might feel in response to a nasty comment, a missed opportunity, or an unwelcome change in your life. With proper attention, this type of sadness will pass with time and will likely teach you something
worth learning.

‍

‍

All emotional states follow a similar pattern of escalation in intensity. When we are first triggered, we experience a rise in the intensity of the emotion. That intensity eventually peaks, then naturally decreases to return to our baseline. This is shown with the solid line in the image. If we engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms, the intensity of the emotion drops dramatically, meaning that we experience a rapid return to baseline. While this may sound tempting, it means that the emotion remains unresolved, and we can be easily triggered again in the future. It also means that the next time we are triggered, the previously unresolved emotional state is compounded with the new trigger, leading to a more intense feeling. This process is shown with the dotted line in the image.

‍

When it comes to sadness, we often find ourselves unconsciously engaging in unhealthy behaviours to suppress the intensity of the emotion. This might include hiding the feeling from others or using distractions to avoid feeling anything at all. It could also include letting a different emotion out to mask the feeling of sadness.

‍

One of the challenges surrounding sadness is that it is not often spoken about. This means we often don’t know what to do with the emotion when we feel it. One of the best ways to cope with feeling sad is by allowing yourself to feel it in the first place. Sometimes, it can help to set aside time to be sad, to allow yourself to cry or to experience low mood. The important thing within this is that you allow yourself to process the feeling. Some people find it helpful to journal or to make art as a form of processing. Others may find that they benefit from talking about why they feel sad or simply just being in the presence of someone they feel supported by. Above all, trust yourself to feel sad. Give yourself permission to experience the emotion and have confidence in your ability to cope with it, knowing that it will pass.