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Anger tends to get a bad rep. We often think that to be angry means to be aggressive, violent or mean. The ways that we show anger can look like this but those are behaviours, not the emotion itself.
When we see anger only through these harmful behaviours, we can mistakenly think they are always linked. We start to see anger as dangerous, and learn unhealthy ways of dealing with that feeling. Some people push their anger down, some let it explode. In the long run, these paths can make things worse and do not help us feel heard.
Anger is an alert siren that tells us when our boundaries have been violated or when our needs have not been met. Healthy anger involves expressing ourselves and working towards a resolution. Sounds simple, right? Unfortunately, this is much more difficult than most people think, especially when no one has shown us what this is supposed to look like.
Dealing with anger in a healthy way is not about excusing anyone else’s bad behaviour (or our own). It is about learning to understand why we are angry and choosing what to do with that anger rather than reacting instinctively and doing something we might regret.
To make sense of anger, it is important not to let it build up to the point where it is explosive or reactive.
It can be very easy to blame other people for causing events that have led us to feel angry. Sometimes we have been led to anger by someone else’s actions, other times it is due to things out of our control, and of course sometimes it is because of our own actions. The common thread is that our values have been compromised in some way.
Imagine a time when you have felt disrespected by someone. You feel like you don’t matter to them, like they are going to hurt you, or cause you to be in danger of being hurt. Maybe you think they will take important things from you, or that if one person gets away with treating you badly then everyone will start doing it. It is normal to want to make sure these things don’t happen, and when you are in custody this can be harder than ever.
There is already a power imbalance in the prison environment. There are rules, written and unwritten, that I don’t fully understand. Telling you to walk away from a fight could be even more dangerous than I realise. But maybe there is another way to deal with things that make you angry? Maybe violence doesn’t solve the problem?
Communicating anger is not easy to do. The issue that most people face is that anger can be too intense, so they lash out, which is where aggression and violence start to be a problem. It might seem like a copout, but one of the best things you can do with anger is to walk away from the situation causing it. I don’t mean ignore it though, just give yourself time to organise your thoughts and reduce the intensity so that you can start to figure out what has led to the angry feeling.
Once you know why you’re angry, you can approach the situation in a way that is likely to meet your needs and solve the issue that caused the anger. Ask yourself: how can the problem be resolved? What do I need to feel like I am in control of myself? Try to focus on what the situation has led you to feel, what it has cost you and what has it left you to deal with. Don’t focus on the other person; blaming them or plotting revenge does not help to control your anger. Focus on what you need, and how to meet that need in a way that doesn’t hurt you or anyone else.
Most of the time, our anger is a response to the need to feel in control of our lives being unmet or violated. It is critical to find ways to regain that control without contributing to the cycle of anger.
Consider these scenarios, both arising from an interaction where Ben* is disrespected by his cellmate Steve*. Ben is furious that Steve has been going through his belongings, and he thinks Steve is stealing from him. In the first scenario, Ben turns his anger into aggression, and hurts Steve badly. Because of this, Ben is put in segro, gets charged, and his chances of having his classo reduced are ruined. Originally Ben was angry because he felt that Steve was violating his right to privacy and dignity. Now, he is angrier because those rights are further violated by the consequences of his actions, and he has lost an opportunity to have his classo reduced.
Imagine if Ben had tried something different. Imagine if instead of hurting Steve, he asked him about his behaviour. Maybe there was more to the story than Steve trying to steal. Maybe he was confused, maybe he lost something of his own, maybe he thought Ben told him it was ok. None of these reasons makes it ok for him to look through Ben’s stuff, but they highlight that there are other possible explanations and the problem could have been resolved by talking about it instead of Ben becoming aggressive and hurting Steve.
Ultimately, Ben felt powerless because his rights were disrespected, and tried to regain a sense of control by acting violently. However, this resulted in him losing even more of his rights. If Ben had stopped, thought about it and tried to resolve the issue, he would likely have had a better outcome.
Anger tends to get a bad rep. We often think that to be angry means to be aggressive, violent or mean. The ways that we show anger can look like this but those are behaviours, not the emotion itself.
When we see anger only through these harmful behaviours, we can mistakenly think they are always linked. We start to see anger as dangerous, and learn unhealthy ways of dealing with that feeling. Some people push their anger down, some let it explode. In the long run, these paths can make things worse and do not help us feel heard.
Anger is an alert siren that tells us when our boundaries have been violated or when our needs have not been met. Healthy anger involves expressing ourselves and working towards a resolution. Sounds simple, right? Unfortunately, this is much more difficult than most people think, especially when no one has shown us what this is supposed to look like.
Dealing with anger in a healthy way is not about excusing anyone else’s bad behaviour (or our own). It is about learning to understand why we are angry and choosing what to do with that anger rather than reacting instinctively and doing something we might regret.
To make sense of anger, it is important not to let it build up to the point where it is explosive or reactive.
It can be very easy to blame other people for causing events that have led us to feel angry. Sometimes we have been led to anger by someone else’s actions, other times it is due to things out of our control, and of course sometimes it is because of our own actions. The common thread is that our values have been compromised in some way.
Imagine a time when you have felt disrespected by someone. You feel like you don’t matter to them, like they are going to hurt you, or cause you to be in danger of being hurt. Maybe you think they will take important things from you, or that if one person gets away with treating you badly then everyone will start doing it. It is normal to want to make sure these things don’t happen, and when you are in custody this can be harder than ever.
There is already a power imbalance in the prison environment. There are rules, written and unwritten, that I don’t fully understand. Telling you to walk away from a fight could be even more dangerous than I realise. But maybe there is another way to deal with things that make you angry? Maybe violence doesn’t solve the problem?
Communicating anger is not easy to do. The issue that most people face is that anger can be too intense, so they lash out, which is where aggression and violence start to be a problem. It might seem like a copout, but one of the best things you can do with anger is to walk away from the situation causing it. I don’t mean ignore it though, just give yourself time to organise your thoughts and reduce the intensity so that you can start to figure out what has led to the angry feeling.
Once you know why you’re angry, you can approach the situation in a way that is likely to meet your needs and solve the issue that caused the anger. Ask yourself: how can the problem be resolved? What do I need to feel like I am in control of myself? Try to focus on what the situation has led you to feel, what it has cost you and what has it left you to deal with. Don’t focus on the other person; blaming them or plotting revenge does not help to control your anger. Focus on what you need, and how to meet that need in a way that doesn’t hurt you or anyone else.
Most of the time, our anger is a response to the need to feel in control of our lives being unmet or violated. It is critical to find ways to regain that control without contributing to the cycle of anger.
Consider these scenarios, both arising from an interaction where Ben* is disrespected by his cellmate Steve*. Ben is furious that Steve has been going through his belongings, and he thinks Steve is stealing from him. In the first scenario, Ben turns his anger into aggression, and hurts Steve badly. Because of this, Ben is put in segro, gets charged, and his chances of having his classo reduced are ruined. Originally Ben was angry because he felt that Steve was violating his right to privacy and dignity. Now, he is angrier because those rights are further violated by the consequences of his actions, and he has lost an opportunity to have his classo reduced.
Imagine if Ben had tried something different. Imagine if instead of hurting Steve, he asked him about his behaviour. Maybe there was more to the story than Steve trying to steal. Maybe he was confused, maybe he lost something of his own, maybe he thought Ben told him it was ok. None of these reasons makes it ok for him to look through Ben’s stuff, but they highlight that there are other possible explanations and the problem could have been resolved by talking about it instead of Ben becoming aggressive and hurting Steve.
Ultimately, Ben felt powerless because his rights were disrespected, and tried to regain a sense of control by acting violently. However, this resulted in him losing even more of his rights. If Ben had stopped, thought about it and tried to resolve the issue, he would likely have had a better outcome.
This article is about how to communicate anger, specifically when anger is the most appropriate emotion for the situation you are in. Sometimes anger can be mismatched, and it actually masks deeper emotions. Anger is often seen as a more ‘acceptable’ emotion to express than other emotions. It tends to give us a sense of control, which can feel more comfortable than being vulnerable. In the next issue of About Time, I will talk about how to manage anger when it is mismatched to the situation.
Ben and Steve are hypothetical characters, and the story is based on a collection of experiences shared by clients.
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Help us get About Time off the ground. All donations are tax deductible and will be vital in providing an essential resource for people in prison and their loved ones.
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