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“You’re stupid. Why did you do that? You should have….”
This was only one of the dozens of variations of should have, could have, would have that I inflicted on myself every day.
But what exactly was I trying to fix? What was so unbearable that I kept replaying the same moment, hoping this time I’d make a different decision?
I should have stayed in control and resisted the compulsion to do that robbery. If I had, I wouldn’t have been sentenced to three years in prison.
That is the weight I was carrying, compounded by imprisonment trauma and amplified by undiagnosed OCD, ADHD, autism and a neurodiverse sensitivity that made everything cut deeper.
Again and again, I found myself pulled back to the precipice of that single decision. I was locked in an agonising loop for decades. My confidence was shredded by self-hatred, my self-image reduced to embers.
I kept replaying the trauma, desperately hoping for a different ending, driven by an intensity of pain I could not bear.
I had become trapped in stuck thinking points – my mind’s default response to unhealed imprisonment trauma.
Two insights could have reduced years of suffering had I known them earlier:
This is a normal trauma response. The “stickiness” of rumination is proportional to the depth of the hurt underneath.
That separation creates a small but powerful space where change becomes possible.
I needed to acknowledge the hurt, recognise it as separate from me, and then work toward peace with it.
From that little bit of distance, I could finally question some of the beliefs that had tormented me for years, such as:
From here I uncovered two more truths that helped pull me out of the ruminative cycle:
I didn’t have to enter them. I could interrupt the thought, mentally hit reset, and choose acceptance.
I could reduce the catastrophising and allow reality to be less absolute, less condemning.
I realised my story wasn’t as uniquely catastrophic as I imagined. I wasn’t alone. Some statistics suggest around 40 percent of prisoners live with mental illness.
Still, I knew I needed something practical – simple shorthand prompts to interrupt rumination the moment it began. That’s where my Safe → Now → Control → Reset system came from. These prompts are easy to remember and surprisingly effective when the mind starts spiralling.
You are safe. You may feel distressed, but you are not in danger. Say the word safe and mentally lay that word over the room, like a protective blanket. Repeat it as many times as necessary. Safe. Safe. Safe.
This brings you back into the present moment. You are not back in the trauma. You are not trapped in the loop. You are here, now. Repeat it to steady yourself.
You can regulate your emotions.
You have survived worse. You have endured harder things. Use the word control to remind yourself: you can do this. You are capable. You’re in control.
A cue for when you feel anxiety, dread or depression building. Reset your system. Breathe. Relax. Return to the last moment you felt steadier. Clear the slate and come back to yourself. This prompt has been particularly effective for many people I’ve shared it with. In a world full of electronics, the idea of a quick “reset” feels instinctively familiar and easy to apply to our own thoughts.
Rumination can feel overwhelming, but it is a human response to unresolved pain. Understanding its roots can help us meet ourselves with greater compassion. Healing began for me when I stopped interpreting rumination as a personal failing and instead saw it as a sign that something within me needed acknowledgement, safety and care.
“You’re stupid. Why did you do that? You should have….”
This was only one of the dozens of variations of should have, could have, would have that I inflicted on myself every day.
But what exactly was I trying to fix? What was so unbearable that I kept replaying the same moment, hoping this time I’d make a different decision?
I should have stayed in control and resisted the compulsion to do that robbery. If I had, I wouldn’t have been sentenced to three years in prison.
That is the weight I was carrying, compounded by imprisonment trauma and amplified by undiagnosed OCD, ADHD, autism and a neurodiverse sensitivity that made everything cut deeper.
Again and again, I found myself pulled back to the precipice of that single decision. I was locked in an agonising loop for decades. My confidence was shredded by self-hatred, my self-image reduced to embers.
I kept replaying the trauma, desperately hoping for a different ending, driven by an intensity of pain I could not bear.
I had become trapped in stuck thinking points – my mind’s default response to unhealed imprisonment trauma.
Two insights could have reduced years of suffering had I known them earlier:
This is a normal trauma response. The “stickiness” of rumination is proportional to the depth of the hurt underneath.
That separation creates a small but powerful space where change becomes possible.
I needed to acknowledge the hurt, recognise it as separate from me, and then work toward peace with it.
From that little bit of distance, I could finally question some of the beliefs that had tormented me for years, such as:
From here I uncovered two more truths that helped pull me out of the ruminative cycle:
I didn’t have to enter them. I could interrupt the thought, mentally hit reset, and choose acceptance.
I could reduce the catastrophising and allow reality to be less absolute, less condemning.
I realised my story wasn’t as uniquely catastrophic as I imagined. I wasn’t alone. Some statistics suggest around 40 percent of prisoners live with mental illness.
Still, I knew I needed something practical – simple shorthand prompts to interrupt rumination the moment it began. That’s where my Safe → Now → Control → Reset system came from. These prompts are easy to remember and surprisingly effective when the mind starts spiralling.
You are safe. You may feel distressed, but you are not in danger. Say the word safe and mentally lay that word over the room, like a protective blanket. Repeat it as many times as necessary. Safe. Safe. Safe.
This brings you back into the present moment. You are not back in the trauma. You are not trapped in the loop. You are here, now. Repeat it to steady yourself.
You can regulate your emotions.
You have survived worse. You have endured harder things. Use the word control to remind yourself: you can do this. You are capable. You’re in control.
A cue for when you feel anxiety, dread or depression building. Reset your system. Breathe. Relax. Return to the last moment you felt steadier. Clear the slate and come back to yourself. This prompt has been particularly effective for many people I’ve shared it with. In a world full of electronics, the idea of a quick “reset” feels instinctively familiar and easy to apply to our own thoughts.
Rumination can feel overwhelming, but it is a human response to unresolved pain. Understanding its roots can help us meet ourselves with greater compassion. Healing began for me when I stopped interpreting rumination as a personal failing and instead saw it as a sign that something within me needed acknowledgement, safety and care.
Whether you want to get in gear to transform your physique, or maybe just tone up, there is a selection of exercises you can do without any equipment, in your cell or in the exercise yard.
If you finally bought your dream car, what kind of fuel would you put in it?
Blood pressure can be thought of as the speed of the blood whizzing around your blood vessels (arteries). This is affected by two things: your heart and your arteries.
For a long time, I thought hepatitis C (hep C) was just something I’d have to live with. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
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Help us get About Time off the ground. All donations are tax deductible and will be vital in providing an essential resource for people in prison and their loved ones.
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