‘Attention [insert prison name]. Unlock count, in ten minutes.’ And our day begins.

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Who would have thought prison would be so noisy. No, not the inmates (although they can be a tad rambunctious at times) – I’m talking about all the bloody announcements!

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Calls to the officers post, the Operations Centre, Education, Health, Programs, Recreation, and religious services – it never stops. Everything from ‘Buddhist Meditation’, ‘Seniors Stretching’ and ‘Saturday Board Games’ to ‘OSTP Group whatever’, ‘Fitness Classes’ and ‘Over 50s Trivia’. Three times a day for medications and six times a day for counts (due to the ten minute and five minute warnings).

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Some days prison feels like living at an airport or train station – announcements blasting out of the ubiquitous speakers on the outside of every building, and inside almost every room, including the bathroom: ’For crying out loud, can I not go to the toilet in peace!’

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Our daily lives are directed by anonymous voices and automatic recordings; some with cheery, good humour; many in a brusque business-like timbre; and the rest in a grumpy, begrudging tone.

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Some are polite: ‘John Smith, please go to the OSC’, many are not: ‘Smith. Officers post. Now!’

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The worst of them are mumbled, muttered, garbled, or cut short – met with looks of confusion: ‘What the f* was that about?’

At work they are drowned out by power tools and blaring radios.

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Invariably if you’re working or training there aren’t very many – but as soon as you try to take an afternoon nap – an endless stream of dialogue blasts out of the speaker, jarring you awake every few minutes.

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Class discussions and project presentations are interrupted adnausea – shattering your train of thought: “What was I just saying?” Inevitably followed by a stream of complaints from both teachers and students. Have you ever tried to sustain the emotional intensity of a deeply personal poem with announcements for ‘Positive Parenting Program’ or ‘Christian Church Services’ blaring through the room? Trust me – you have no hope!

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The tiresome repetition when staff are after the same person again, and again; to front the officers post or return their card.

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Sometimes the list of names for mail call is so long it might be quicker to say: ‘Everyone except [insert names], come to the post for mail.’ Although of late they areonly announcing the presence of a new list – come check for yourself.

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I swear sometimes they sound like their call-ups to deliberately annoy us – waiting until just after I’ve gone back to my cell, “Couldn’t you see me walking past the post and call me then?Or just as we step under the shower, ’We’ve been calling you. Why didn’t you come sooner?’ ’Well Sir, turning up to the post naked would likely get me additional charges’.

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Even the weekly movie is not immune. ‘OSTP group three to Health’, ‘Did he just say she was a double agent?’

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The newest part of announcements are for Codes (one to initiate and one to stand-down) – probably because everyone used to complain they didn’t know there was a ‘Code’ when they got yelled at for being in the wrong area. Of course they don’t tell us the location, or the code – so you can expectively see a line of inmates running out to the yard to get away from whatever it is.

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Some announcements can be completely randomly timed: ‘Attention [insert Prison name]. Lock-up in five minutes, cease all movement.’ And another day draws to a close.